What are we really fighting about?
What are we really fighting about?
You can’t resolve a dispute unless you know what it’s really about.
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You will have a lot of disagreement on your team, no matter what you do. Hopefully, most of that disagreement is productive and healthy, with people advocating for their ideas while others do the same. You need that disagreement to have a healthy team.
Sometimes, that disagreement descends into conflict. When that happens, your job as a leader shifts to conflict resolution. You cannot lead a team in conflict, so you need to get past that conflict as quickly as possible. Conflicts are toxic, and the longer they persist the less likely your team can survive it.
There are a lot of approaches to conflict resolution, but they all rely on a single question: Do you know what the conflict is about?
I am always surprised at how often the answer is ‘no’.
For example, let’s say your team is fighting over a lost customer. The sales leader blames the product leader for not delivering features the customer asked for, while the product leader blames the sales leader for promising something that couldn’t be delivered. Is the conflict about the lost customer?
Maybe.
Or maybe it’s about…
The sales leader realizes they are going to miss their quarterly target again, and worries about losing their job.
The product leader is dealing with too many requests and an under-staffed engineering team, and worries about losing their job.
Those kinds of fears can erupt into conflict often if you don’t identify them up front! As a leader, you need to listen to your team and notice when the pressure on your team is starting to create toxic outcomes. It’s also why it’s important to fire someone as soon as it’s clear it’s necessary, as drawing it out can have these negative effects.
Or maybe the conflict is about…
The sales leader has a long term relationship with the customer, and is worried about the damage this might do to that relationship in future jobs.
The product leader sees retention issues in product & engineering, and is worried about losing key employees they have worked with across a few companies.
Not all conflicts have to do with your company! Sometimes they are about the careers of the people involved. When someone believes their long-term career prospects are in danger, or the relationships that underlie their career, they might project it onto the current conflict.
Or maybe the conflict isn’t really about work, it’s about…
The sales leader is in the midst of a divorce that has become nasty.
The product leader’s childcare stopped without warning and they are scrambling.
Employees are people, and they bring their personal challenges with them to work. That’s unavoidable, so you need to create a culture where there are ways to reduce that contagion. You cannot and should not expect employees to confess their personal problems to you, but you still need to spot the signs.
Or maybe the conflict is simple, as the sales leader and product leader just hate each other. That happens, and is often confused with the other potential causes!
As you can see, even for a conflict that seems simple on the surface there are a huge number of possible reasons. If you can’t identify the real reason for the conflict, you have no hope for resolving it. Resolving a conflict by addressing the wrong reason just guarantees it will erupt somewhere else, sometime soon.
So, the next time you have a conflict don’t jump in and try to resolve it immediately. First ask “What are we fighting about?” and interrogate it thoroughly until you’re sure.
Only then do you have a chance to resolve it!
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